Monday, February 04, 2013

In all honesty...

...sometimes I want to treat people the way they treat me, not the way I want to be treated.

...I have heard about some pretty terrible things over the past few weeks. Not horrible things like lost jobs or foreclosures, bigger. The kinds of things that break me down to my core and make me sob for those going through it. And, in all honesty, I question the strength of my own faith. Would I have the faith to withstand? Some days, I don't feel like I even have mustard seed sized faith.

...I wish I was more bold. I can talk a big game when it's just me and my computer screen, but in real life, I cower.

...the boys and I played a song tonight aimed at my belly. Baby boy loved it and gave quite a show. In all honestly, I pulled back the panels and let my children view the horror that is my expanding belly. They were alarmed by the fact that my belly button no longer exists. They were fascinated by the warping going on by their brother's dancing, though. I wish I could bottle the moment forever.

...there is a man that works at Whole Foods that I want to invite over for dinner(Don't worry, Mom, I won't). The first time he bagged our groceries, he seemed a bit odd in that he was friendly to us. No one at Whole Foods is friendly. Not the employees, not the other shoppers, no one. Except him. He complimented me. He complimented the boys. Over the past few months, I've made sure I say hello when he's nearby. Today, I somehow ended up with wooden coins for some donation box. As the boys were picking the charity they wanted to donate to, he came up and started talking about currency. The man is brilliant. We talked and talked and his education was apparent. As he walked away, I said, "Careful, now, people are going to think you're one of those Ron Paul nuts!" I smiled so big when he responded, "I've voted for Ron Paul every chance I've had."

...I was so proud of my boys today. I usually avoid grocery shopping with all three for reasons that ought to be apparent to anyone. Today, I had no choice. They were so awesome. We ate lunch beforehand. At one point, I had to stop and pat myself(and them) on the back. Three boys, sitting peacefully, eating their food. No shenanigans, no antics, no unwanted attention from other patrons. In fact, we got a good, genuine smile from a woman walking past. I've been at this game for a decade, but that one simple smile still made me feel like Wonder Woman.

...I feel like a turtle stuck on it's back most days. I assumed pregnancies would get easier. Turns out, not so much. I want to complain, but I won't. Not publicly. I did, however, start my day with a text to two friends I knew would understand and withhold any thoughts about my ungrateful childbearing. I do so love being pregnant, it's the exhaustion and kidney stones I could do without. I feel like doing nothing, ever. I am so much more exhausted with this kid than ever before. I keep waiting for that magical period of nesting and I'm thinking it might not come this time around. I have gobs to do and no energy. Just thinking about everything I need to get done makes me want to take a nap.

...I question everything. E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.

...It has taken me a week & a half to write this post.

...I take things super, super, super personally. I stew over things too much. When I grow up, I want to be like Sean. I wish I could shrug and say, "Who cares?!"

...when questioning everything, I am able to see the things that are true and I cling all the tighter to them.

...there are absolute truths, whether society wants to acknowledge them or not.

...I do not believe anything put out by the main stream media. Nothing ever adds up. eyes are full of splinters tree trunks.

In all honesty, there is only one Truth that matters.

Just listen.
(lest anyone think this is my voice, it is actually Dr. Ken Fentress of Montrose Baptist Church in Rockville, MD).


Jude said...

I laughed out loud when I read about you cowering... remember the gas station? I should probably cower a bit more... ;)
Our first trip to whole foods was HI-larious. It included Alden asking the whole time "I been good? We go to Mick-a-donalds and get nuggets?" I was ready to crawl under the organic lotion display. Until the checkout girl whispered, "Don't worry, I love them too!"

Hang in there with the stones, praying for relief soon :(

Detta Owens said...

A new baby?! Pretty exciting stuff. I've missed reading your blog. I will make a point of checking in more often. Now, I need to go back and read backwards to see what's been happening in your life.

JennaB said...

I followed the comment you made on an article I wrote about raising boys and it led me here! I'm so glad it did. Oh boy...I remember the big belly stage you are in. Give yourself a break. All the 'gobs' of stuff waiting to be done will always be there. Precious time with your boys will not. And PS...I agree about the mainstream media thing. Great blog!