Friday, July 10, 2015

Blog July10

Every mom occasionally needs a Target experience. Not the Target necessity trips, where you take kids with you and cannonball run through the store while the clearance stickers mock you from their end caps. I mean the Target trips where you have time to peruse and sip a Starbucks while you stroll. The trips where you stare at all the other mothers and their screaming kids with equal parts sympathy and glee to not be her.

The problem with such trips is that one tends to over purchase things not technically needed by the household. These trips suck me/you/us in and blow the monthly budget. I can't even hide child-free Target purchases behind the grocery budget. I can't justify the candles/sheets/shelves/hardware/picture frames/stationary/embroidery kits/finger paints/cutest-little-bowls-ever-that-won't-hold-1/2-cup-of-cereal-and-weren't-even-a-complete-set that were on clearance. But those trips are sanity savers!! They're better and possibly cheaper than therapy and so...we go. I know we mothers stand united on this issue. All other divisive issues aside, here we stand as ONE.

That said, I'm trying to not blow our monthly budget with these trips. My brain says, "Walmart is 7 minutes away, Target is 45." I tried to trick my mental health into believing I could go to Walmart and get the same experience as the Target euphoria.

Oh the differences!!

Target clearance holds possibilities. The picture frames that are perfectly whole! The mismatched bowls that can be used for SOMETHING. Walmart clearance holds...half used boxes of condoms. I'm like, "Why...? But, could I use these?! Perhaps mix them in with the water balloons? Would the kids know??"
And I get a small lump in my throat as I think of Target and it's mopped floors and scent of...not Walmart. Why is it that no matter where you are in Walmart, it smells like Scotts Weed n' Feed? Target smells like new school supplies and fresh linens and world peace. Every aisle I turn in Walmart makes me think, "Perhaps I should get my camera ready in case two redneck women are tussling. I could send it in to CNN and be rich!" Target makes me think, "Clear-ance, clear-ance, CLEAR-ANCE!"

On my last trip to Target turned Walmart, I decided to check out the exercise clothes. As I walked through the clearance racks of surely sweatshop worker made clothing, I had a Friends moment. The episode where Phoebe falls in love with Pottery Barn. That's me. I was torn. I started out all, "Walmart is all that's wrong with America, but...$9 for a maxi dress?!?" I got two.

Some things are obvious no-gos, like the leopard print, crotch length workout shorts. No, ma'am. Some things you just have to think on. I did end up getting some nice spandex capris and tops for working out. I've made it a whole week with riding my bike 2-4 miles a day. I must admit, wearing regular old clothes to bike ride does not work. The adjustments that need to be made just to stay decent are a hindrance. The spandex makes it all good. It makes me want to ride my bike. And every time I don my apparel, I pull an Eddie Murphy, "Spandex! ALL SPANDEX!"

Simon got a video of me in my spandex the other day. Jude smacked my butt. Simon was recording in slo mo. If ever you need motivation to exercise, record someone smacking your butt in slo mo. 'Nuff said.
 Faded Glory. Yeah, I'd say so. White Stag will always be "White Skag" to me. 

Enough of my Walmart rant. It's a necessary evil. I'm really not the snob I pretend to be, I just amuse myself and Walmart always makes me laugh. 

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