Saturday, July 11, 2015

Blog July11(warning: lots of CAPS)

Sean spoke with his childhood BFF today. It's kinda weird that whenever we talk about Trevor, he calls. Months can pass without mention of Trevor and then, "Hey, Trevor has been on my mind..." and within hours, he'll call. Kinda bizarre. Last night, Sean was relaying a story of a time he raced someone in his fully restored General Lee and then this morning he calls.

Anyway, all that to say, he fills us in on the happenings of Sean's circle of childhood friends and we fill him in on the happenings of our craziness. I've gone a few days without crying, but overhearing Sean telling Trevor about the baby got me a tad weepy. And then he gets the news that a buddy of his is getting a divorce. The sadness was replaced by anger and strong language.

I'm so freaking sick and tired of people QUITTING on their marriage. Quitting on each other. I told Sean, "Get ON the PHONE. Pick UP the PHONE and CALL your FRIEND." I enunciate every other word when I'm mad. Sean was a groomsmen in this particular wedding. I, as his wife, was not invited. I'm still not sure how that happened, but whatevs. Probably the reason their marriage didn't last...hmph. Just kidding.

I assume their wedding went something like everyone else's. Y'know, the whole ENTERING INTO A COVENANT BEFORE GOD bit. Perhaps they left out the TIL DEATH DO US PART part?! I'd like Sean to call and find out which one is dead. I mean, maybe they fulfilled their vows and I'm jumping to conclusions.

As Sean and I discussed yet another couple of quitters, we came to the conclusion that maybe we're just awesome. I mean I deserve a MEDAL for sticking with this man and he could possibly contend for a Nobel Peace Prize for not quitting on me. I mean, if Al Gore can get one...

Seriously, though, marriage is not THAT hard. Sometimes it seems that hard, but can be worked through. It's not so hard that it's worth throwing away years of your life. It's not worth breaking a covenant with God and each other. It's CERTAINLY not worth the emotional damage it does to the kids. Don't even get me started on the financials. Sean brought up, "How bad are their fights?! Are people getting punched in the face or what?" WHY can't two adults act like adults? The name calling, the lying, the's been done, people. How 'bout be different and work it out. Work. It. Out.

She's selfish. You're selfish.
You're a hypocrite. He's a hypocrite.
He's a liar. You're a liar.
She's crazy. You're crazy.
He's mean. You're mean.
Guess what? We ALL are. You ain't nothin' special, Sweetheart(s). Does the Bible condone the long list of sins we commit towards one another every second of every day? Certainly not! But it gives a chance at redemption.

Guess what else! For all your insurmountable problems, the GOD you entered into a covenant with when you betrothed yourself to one another is BIGGER. His grace, His mercy...He's got it covered. He forgave your sorry behind and expects you to do the same. Believe me, it's in there. The Word. The one you say you believe in. Every jot and tittle and all that, stop mining for verses and read the whole thing. Stop worshiping an idol and worship THE GOD and perhaps your marriage will shimmy and shake into shape. Boom. That's right. I said it. This girl, right here, said it. IT.

Y'all done got me angry now.

How about some time in the Word? How about some legit counseling? How about a good hard look at yourself before you start throwing ninja stars at your spouse? How about step outside of yourself for half a second and think about your kids. How about you take a peek at the statistics. Perhaps some studying about the effects of divorce on your children. YOUR CHILDREN. That you brought into this world TOGETHER.

If my people(first, are you His?), which are called by my name, shall humble themselves(uh oh, are you even capable?), and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways(Divorce is wicked. If you think it's not, you aren't reading His Word-you might be reading A word, but it's not His); then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin(if you think you're sinless, you're worshipping an idol), and will heal their land(I would have to think this would include marriages). 2 Chr 7:14-this could perhaps be construed as quote mining, but I don't have time to copy and paste my other examples(HOSEA). 

For the love of all that is Holy, FIGHT. If people would put the same effort into fighting FOR their marriage as they do fighting IN their marriage, WOW. How dare you bring kids into this world and then just give up on their mom or give up on their dad. Families shouldn't give up on each other! Not without a fight. Shoot I've seen people give up on their marriages, but wouldn't dream of giving up their Facebook page. Is this what we've become? What example are you setting for your kids? What hope do they have for ever having a healthy relationship? If they see mom and dad just shucking each other aside, they won't know how to treat a spouse any other way. 

<deep breath>

I am preaching to myself here. Y'know how they say we're all a paycheck away from poverty? I think we're all probably a fight or two away from divorce. I can see how people would let piddly little arguments build and build into something much bigger. Know how I know that? Because we're human and humans are petty. 

Now I'm depressed and I just want to go eat a string cheese and have a good cry. I had a very specific audience for this post. I mean no offense to any divorcees out there who may stumble upon this. I guess this is aimed more at those currently married and thinking of calling it quits. Our pastor in Maryland said something about people being married multiple times. He said, "If you're on the third or fourth or fifth marriage, just stop. Stop where you are and make this one work!" If you've already been divorced and remarried, don't follow the same path you did last time. Second marriages have an even higher divorce rate than first marriages

I'm just one person with an opinion. I happen to think marriage is valuable and it's so sad to me how many are willing to walk away after five or ten or thirty years. All marriages have rough patches. If you're marriage doesn't have rough patches, you aren't doing it right. Push through. Put in the effort. Make it work. 

"And unto the married I command(ooh, command. That's a strong word. I wonder if He means it.), yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled(it's never too late!!!) to her husband: and let not the husband put away(other translations say "separate"-as in, don't leave. A husband and wife should live together? There's an idea!) his wife." 1 Cor 7:10-11-There are tons of verses about the responsibilities of husbands and wives. A lot of people only like to quote one side or the other of those verses...

*************KEEP READING!

I can't sleep. I wrote this post earlier tonight and hadn't posted it yet. One of my former Facebook friends took serious issue with my Facebook post about quitters. She thought I was speaking about a very personal situation when my post was about a completely different person. That said, it all still applies. 

I have prayed that God will fill me with love and compassion towards those who are currently enrolled in the divorce process. The thing is, there's no such thing as love without truth. The truth is, divorce is wrong. The truth is hateful to those who hate the truth. I get that every situation is different. I am speaking from the perspective of someone who believes marriage is sacred and as one who has not been divorced. Doesn't mean the thought hasn't crossed my mind. Doesn't mean it hasn't crossed Sean's. 

Do I think one should stay in a marriage where they are punched in the face? Absolutely not. Do I think one should stay in a marriage when their spouse is molesting their children? Certainly not! Drug abuse? Alcohol abuse? Mental disorders? Adultery? The list goes on and on. There are probably just as many arguments for divorce as there are for staying married. I get it. But what about muddied waters? Should you divorce someone because their job keeps them away? That would qualify all military families. Should you divorce someone because they raise their voice at you? I've seen that labeled "emotional abuse." Should you divorce someone who is a pathological liar? Where does one draw the line? At what point does a Christian say, "I'm done forgiving now. Let's get a divorce." I also don't know the right answer for when one half of the marriage walks away. What if the remaining spouse wants to make it work and the other doesn't? What do you do? 

I know many, many people who have been divorced and their second or third marriage is amazing. One such person and I spoke tonight regarding my Facebook drama. She was abused and she did divorce and even she said divorce is selfish. The acts leading up to divorce in which one or both parties decide not to uphold their vows: selfish. <clapclapclap> Wisdom! I very much appreciate her input because she is more graceful and loving in how she handles situations. 

I am one to speak first and pray/think later. I am letting the emotions of the aforementioned situation bubble over. My tolerance level has reached it's limit. If I came across or ever come across as judgmental(hello, most overused word in Christendom), I somewhat apologize. The problem I have with the whole, "You're being judgmental and here's an overused verse to back up my hurling of stones," line is that it says not to judge unless you want to be judged by that same measure. I realize I have a log in my own eye. Everyone does. If we wait until we reach perfection to ever warn someone of the pile they're about to step in, no one would ever be able to warn anyone of anything ever. 

Friends, if I'm ever about to give up on my marriage, PLEASE JUDGE ME. Please love me enough to say, "Check yourself, Sister!" Judge me the same way I'm judging here. Love me enough to do that. I can't think of a single story in the Bible in which a prophet gave a warning in a way that would be deemed "loving" by todays standards. Nope, they warned people with conviction and urgency. 

And to my former Facebook friend, if you're reading, I forgive you for unfriending me and blocking me. Not just on Facebook, but from your life. I appreciate that you've prayed for me and my baby. I'm sorry I disappointed you as a Christian woman, but as a Christian that sins, I will continue to disappoint you. All humans will, even Christians. Thank you for not condemning me, whatever that was about, but you hold no power to condemn me, only God does. And if I deserve condemnation from Him regarding this matter, so be it. 

1 comment:

Corey said...

Girl, PREACH IT!! I love the way you get fired up! I agree 100% with you. the big D word has been going around here quite a bit too. (not in my house, thank GOD!) But close friends, every week at church someone is asking for prayer for someone at work, a neighbor etc who is thinking of divorce. A cousin of mine with THREE little girls decided she can "do this on her own" and up and left her husband. Just like that. Not a second thought about it. I DON'T GET IT! It makes me SO SO sad to think about. My parents divorced when i was 15. I have NEVER gotten over it. Just because your child(ren) are older, does not mean they can handle it any better. My dad is in heaven and I STILL am not over the fact that he divorced my mom. Have I forgiven him? Yes. Have I forgotten? No, Lord help me!
The fact is none of us are immune. Every one of us is susceptible. It's a spirt that bores a hole into us and we've got to work constantly to keep it out. Marriage is work. Pete and I have had our share of problems. Seriously, it came so close to the D word. But we both had to work at it. We had to forgive and forget. Without God and our church body…I don't know where we'd be today!
Anyway I could go on and on about this. I just don't understand how people can just so easily throw in the towel. I'm sorry a friend was so offended by your post that they felt they couldn't remain friends with you. Sometimes the truth hurts. Americans have become so overly sensitive and apparently don't want people to tell them the truth?
I'll pray for Sean's friend going through this tough time. Pray that they change their minds. I'll pray for the one so offended too.