Friday, July 17, 2015

Blog July17

If you asked me how I'm doing 
I would say I'm doing just fine
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind. 

To borrow from Gavin Degraw...

I heard that song in Lowe's a couple of weeks ago and it made me choke back sobs. It's a song that is forever stuck in my head now. And it's not pertaining to a love interest, it's pertaining to my baby. 

Today makes one month. Thankfully, my family is here and I'm distracted from the fact that it's been a month by having fun. I wonder how I'll feel next month. And the month after. And the year after. 

For some reason, time makes me sad. When I think about how many weeks I should be. When I think about how many weeks have passed since I found out this baby was there to how many since I found out she was no longer there. When I think about the passing of time and getting further away from her. I guess I should look at it as the passage of time getting me closer to her, but I'm not there yet. 

I'm still at the stage where I look at pregnant women and wonder why they get to keep their babies. I mean, I'm happy for them. I got to be them four times. Then I feel like a greedy baby hog. Shame on me for having any feeling other than happiness for these women who get to do what I've already done so many times. But...the loss lottery. Why did I win(lose)? 

And then I go back to square one. Where God is the sovereign one, not me.
Job 9
Isaiah 45:9-13
Daniel 4:35-36


Stephanie G said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this sad, sad time. I can tell you that it sort of gets easier as time goes on. I still think about my baby- wonder what she would have been like, wonder how our family would have changed with another little one. She would be 6 years old now. It's always sad, but less so now that time has passed. It is not selfish to miss your baby and feel sad that you don't get to have her with you. It's really hard to understand why the loss happened, or to make sense of how it is God's plan for your life. It just doesn't make sense. I'm praying for you friend. HUGS.

Niki Hill said...

I love you! Niki

Niki Hill said...

I love you! Niki