Subtitle: I'm a hypocrite.
I had a few days of growth last week. Repentance and growth.
The joy and shiny new car smell have worn off the move. Sean has gone back to work(which feels a heck of a lot like school) and I don't have a shiny, new car yet***. The boys and I have spent a lot of time at home. I go stir crazy when I feel trapped. All that to lay a foundation for the following story.
I've noticed myself being extra sarcastic lately. I'm always snarky. I always have been, just ask my parents. Most of the time I'm able to keep it on the side of harmless and funny, sometimes I go too far. The last week, I've been going too far. When I go too far, I get super disappointed in myself. Instead of stopping, apologizing, starting over, I get worse. I've caught myself a few times this week and had that stab of guilt, but didn't make any real changes. The breaking point came during a two hour car ride. On the way there, I hashed up things that don't even matter. I was rude. I was hurtful. I was sarcastic.
The underlying issue is that I was comparing our family to several other families. Considering the three year trench we just crawled out of, not fair at all. I blamed my unhappiness on the one who is in charge of my happiness: Sean(that's a joke. I know he's not in charge of my happiness. Or was that sarcasm again...?). He's been stressed to the max starting at this new base and trying to figure out what is going on and what he's able to do and waiting on credentials and licenses andandand. And I just heaped on more tasks, more stress, more complaints. I'm not so much the model wife these days. Which is hilarious given my recent post about loving one's husband. Hence the HYPOCRITE subtitle.
In addition to the conviction I was already feeling, I have a few friends who send me these super uplifting texts and emails. Another posted a verse on Facebook(John 3:30) that really rubbed salt in the wound. As Sean and I rode home in silence Thursday night(occasionally interrupted by short bursts of anger), it occurred to me that I have been so snarky and so caustic lately, that is has gone from being my mood to being my personality. I haven't been the wife I know I should be; I haven't been the mother I want to be.
Friday morning, I grabbed Felix's Bible and flipped to "kindness" in his index. The first three references weren't really what I was after, but Colossians 3 happened to be listed. I've read it a thousand times, I didn't think it would sting so much.
I asked the boys, "What do you think that means? Set your heart and mind on things above?"
"Focus on God and don't worry about what's going on here."-Felix.
By the time I got to this part, I couldn't even look at my kids. I was bawling. I was so ashamed of myself. I was not at all kind, humble, gentle, or patient Thursday night. Really, I haven't been all that kind or patient since the move. It was a great morning of asking for their forgiveness. I asked for forgiveness for my tone, my attitude, and for generally being a horrible person to be around. I texted Sean at work and did the same. I told them all that I want them to call me out if I'm being sarcastic.
How amazing it is that every day is a chance at renewal. No matter how big we screw up, God is right there ready to forgive us. Repent, move on, try to live out verse 17.
And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.
***Edited to say I've been MUCH more patient, gentle, kind, and loving the last few days. Only by the grace of God and constant conviction when I want to "rawr rawr rawr"(Sam!!!!) I also have a new(to me) car that should make shuttling these boys about much easier. My broom gets a bit hard to steer with kids on the back of it. :) Hey, that's funny. I almost didn't post this. It makes me feel all vall-nerable(said in my best Eddy Murphy voice). After talking with my sister and hearing her say, "Hey, I'm right there with ya," my confidence that perhaps I'm somewhat normal has me pushing "publish." Y'all don't think less of me now.